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13 Classic Novels As Headlines From The Onion

Upon realising there was a huge amount of real work to do, the Writers' HQ team diligently set about matching headlines from The Onion with classic novels.
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Writers’ HQ hard at work here. Yes we are.

1. Tuesdays With Morrie

Image of the book Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom with Onion headline: Poignant Dying Words Wasted on Dumbshit Nephew.


2. The Secret History

Image of the book The Secret History by Donna Tart with Onion headline: Determined Circle of Friends Diligently Traces Back How They Got Onto This Conversation Topic


3. Pride and Prejudice

Image of the book Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen with Onion headline: Date's flaws coming at woman faster than she can rationalise them.

 

4. Jane Eyre

Image of the book Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte with Onion headline: Perfect girlfriend blames self for everything


5. Lolita

Image of the book Lolita by Vladimir Nabakov with Onion headline: Your kids - are they sexy enough?

 

6. Infinite Jest

Image of the book Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace with Onion headline: Guy in philosophy class needs to shut the fuck up

 

7. Hamlet


8. The Great Gatsby

Image of the book The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald with Onion headline: Man unable to explain contempt he feels for group of people enjoying one another's company.


9. The Picture Of Dorian Gray

Image of the book The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde with Onion headline: Fabulous trash


10. The Catcher In The Rye

Image of the book The Catcher in the Rye by J D Salinger with Onion headline: Wealthy teen nearly experiences consequence.


11. Fifty Shades Of Grey

Image of the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James with Onion headline: Courageous man overcomes woman's body language to continue hitting on her.

 

12. Huckleberry Finn

Image of the book Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain with onion headline Kids getting a little old to still believe in innate charitable goodness of humans.


13. 1984

Image of the book 1984 by George Orwell with Onion headline: Congress puts aside partisan differences for good of military contractors.
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