Accurately Titled Novels

1 minute read
Author: Jo
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Image of a red and yellow book cover with text: Circular Conversations with my New York Therapist by J B Semantics. Probably won the Booker Prize (but no one's ever got to the end to find out if it's any good).
Image of a book cover depicting a little cottage surrounded by trees in the middle of nowhere below a cloudy sky. Text reads: Disaffected Working Mother with Awful Husband by Julie Barnes. 'Outstanding love story' - the critic.
Image of a book cover depicting a turbulent sea crashing on black rocks. Text reads: A Dysfunctional Family Bonds over Tragic Event by R S Wankshaft
Image of a book cover depicting a pile of green beans. Text reads: The Explosive Colon Cleanse - chickpea juice never tasted so good. By Miranda Avocado.
Image of a book cover depicting a hand holding a sparkler. Text reads: One Massive Flashback - a mindnumbingly frustrating novel by Toby MFA
Image of a book cover depicting a scantily clad warrior woman wearing a metal helmet (but not much else) weaving a golden spell. Text reads: Strong Female Character as Thinly-Veiled Male Fantasy by D R Neckbeard.
Image of a book cover depicting travel-related items such as boarding passes and luggage tags in pastel pinks and oranges. Text reads: My Gap Year on Daddy's Credit Card: a collection of first world problems.
Image of a book cover depicting a girl in a dark hooded coat looking into a dark forest. Text reads: Inexplicably Only teenagers Can Save Us From This Totalitarian State - a novel by Wafty Dystopia. "An increasingly true story" - Puff D
Image of a white book cover depicting two intertwining female hands. Text reads: International Bestseller. The Lesbian Dies at the End by M S Cichet. Jumping on the LGBT wagon with predictable disappointment.
Image of a book cover depicting a silhouetted figure looking up at a starry sky. Text reads: Lyrical Prose Makes the End of the World Even Worse by Man Mannington. "A relentlessly miserable novel" - NYT Books. "Dark... a must-read" - Coral Readers.
Image of a book cover depicting a man standing at the edge of a river beside a forest. Text reads: Midlife Crisis: one man's story of leaving his wife to pick up all his shit. By Peter Archy.
Image of a green book cover depicting an illustration of a brain. Text reads: Middle-aged English Professor Inexplicably Attractive to Lithe Young Student by Winston Douche. A literary novel.
Image of a figure swimming underwater. Text reads: Misunderstood White Man by a Lake. By George Mannington.
Image of a book cover depicting a white lily against a black background. Text reads: Passionate Relationship Turns to Ennui in 300 pages by M Y Vagina. From the author of Love is Truly Awful.
Image of a book cover depicting the back of a red-headed woman draped in a shawl. Text reads: The Patricarchy Was Even 150 Years Ago but the Period Costumes are Pretty. Civil war. Poor sanitisation. Blustery heaths. Oh, and that one hot sex scene in the parlour (page 156). You're welcome. "The tuberculousis death scenes are unsurpassed in all of historical literature."
Image of a book cover depicting a house at the end of a jetty over a lake with a dark sky above. Text reads: The Protagonist is a Struggling Writer: a self-indulgent novel by Carl Scrivener.
Image of a book cover with a cartoon fish pattern. Text reads: Quirky People Have a Quirky Time Doing Quirky Things to no Real Avail by Mary Pixiegirl.
Image of a book cover depicting a woman holding out a sparkler. Text reads: Six Tenuously Connected Narratives by M F A Grady. "Nicely drawn characters with strenuously contrived link but we'll call it a novel anyway" - the paid critic.
Image of a book cover depicting a dirt road winding through empty fields with a blue sky above. Text reads: The road is a metaphor (for my lack of imagination): a short and pointless novel by Brian Ego
Image of a pink and white book cover. Text reads: New York Times Bestseller. Unfulfilled Boomer Divorcee Goes on Voyage of Self-discovery to Sleep with Yoga Teacher by Veronica Suburb
Image of a book cover depicting a man with red eyes peering over a glass of red liquid. Text reads: Centuries-old Vampire Really into Teenage Girls by Garnet Vladimir.
Image of a book cover depicting a steamed up window in the snow with the words 'yep, she's dead' scrawled in the condensation. Text reads: Naked Female Murder Victim by Crimey McThriller.
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