Want to know what March has in store for you, using a highly accurate and totally not randomly-chosen combination of literary wisdom and astrology? We thought you might – which is why our Portsmouth Writers’ Retreat rep Poppy O’Neill has painstakingly prepared a set of bookish horoscopes using the recently-released short story collection You Know You Want This by Kristen Roupenian (read it – it’s good).
21st March – 19th April
“This complicated their relationship, as it meant that he could no longer ignore the fact that she was very, very sad.”
Take care of yourselves, Arieses. If your WIP feels too personal, add another layer of fiction to the material elements, and dive deeper into the emotional truth of your story.
20th April – 20th May
“A stack of library books at her elbow, a pencil stabbed through the tangled black bun of her hair.”
You’re on a roll this month – make sure to feed your creative brain by reading widely. Keep your eyes peeled for sexy librarians.
21st May – 20th June
“When she praises him, he fills and straightens like a freshly watered plant.”
Avoid relying solely on feedback from others – trust your gut. Also: get a houseplant, or several.
21st June – 22nd July
“Unable to turn his head either left or right, he stared directly up into the blinding fluorescent light and wondered if he was dying.”
Don’t let writers’ block stop you, crabbies. Write something – anything – and screw the quality. Your mojo will be back before the month is out.
23rd July – 22nd August
“Look at your game, girl.”
Writing doesn’t have to feel like digging out your own teeth with a Tommee Tippee weaning spoon. Play around with your writing or try an exercise to get you out of that rut you’re stuck in.
23rd August – 22nd September
“Ted, who had been leisurely erect at the beginning of this conversation, now felt like he might puke.”
Never be afraid to ditch words that aren’t working. The time you spent on these chapters, scenes or characters is never, ever wasted. If you’ve lost your creative boner for them, they’ve gotta go.
23rd September – 22nd October
“Because the queen whispered. I fell in love with that thing.”
Do you love your WIP? If you do, commit more time to it. If not, it’s a good time to stop faffing around and ditch it for something new.
23rd October – 21st November
“It looked real enough, but for all I knew, the universe had sent me a naked, duplicitous mime. I poked the knife in the air again in warning.”
Rise above external conflict and keep going – you’re close to a breakthrough. Beware of low-flying cutlery and duplicitous mimes, clothed or otherwise.
22nd November – 21st December
“Stop elbowing me in the boob, Francine!”
Stop letting self-doubt elbow you in the boob, Saggies! Write what you wanna write.
22nd December – 19th January
“Her faux-patrician condescension toward the handful of people below her on the popularity ladder.”
Past failures are bugging you and it’s stopping you from enjoying recent successes. Don’t compare yourself to others – you’re doing amazing, sweetie.
20th January – 18th February
“The women swirl tipsily toward the pool, shedding shoes and purses as they go, but Jared remains seated, his arms folded across his chest.”
Don’t be a Jared, Aquarius. Whatever literal or metaphorical pool party you’re watching from afar – jump in, you belong there too.
19th February – 20th March
“For a long time, Ellie did not seriously consider biting her co-workers.”
You’re feeling frustrated by real-life adulting stuff keeping you from writing. Be selfish and see if you could let some if go so you can eke a little more writing time out of your routine.
Here endeth our March literary horoscopes. And if you don’t believe in this kind of thing, rest assured there is always writing in your future – so long as you fucking put it there. Tune in next month for more astrological excerpts…